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Humour
April Funnies:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
> reviving her husband's libido.
> 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
> 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
> 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
> you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
> Give
> it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
>
> It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
> to her progress.
> The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
> Just terrible, doctor!'
> 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
> 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
> almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
> his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups
> and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
> there
> passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
> nightmare!'
> 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
> provided wasn't good?'
> 'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years But sure as I'm
> sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again
Scousers
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Boom Boom
A good short one
Letter to The Bank
Dear Sirs, One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds."
In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that
refer to me or to you? Sincerely, Your customer
Boom Boom....
Before computers:
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse "pad" was where a "Hip and Groovy" mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
Well you hoped no one found out about it !
Boom Boom !
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger or a single complaint to the BBC.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six-mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise; there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart. Whose fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince.
'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
Ha ha Boom Boom !
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
> reviving her husband's libido.
> 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
> 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
> 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
> you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
> Give
> it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
>
> It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
> to her progress.
> The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
> Just terrible, doctor!'
> 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
> 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
> almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
> his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups
> and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
> there
> passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
> nightmare!'
> 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
> provided wasn't good?'
> 'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years But sure as I'm
> sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again
Scousers
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Boom Boom
A good short one
Letter to The Bank
Dear Sirs, One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds."
In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that
refer to me or to you? Sincerely, Your customer
Boom Boom....
Before computers:
Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse "pad" was where a "Hip and Groovy" mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
Well you hoped no one found out about it !
Boom Boom !
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger or a single complaint to the BBC.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six-mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise; there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart. Whose fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince.
'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
Ha ha Boom Boom !
